50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
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genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What鈥檚 the blender for?
Me: I just told you
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 馃槀馃槀馃拃
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
PHILOSOPHERS: We don鈥檛 know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats