Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
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dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
is this store having a stroke wtf
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide