Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
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I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
How did we not see this back then?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.