He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
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My dad teaching me to drive
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
You know I’m something of a chef myself
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.