guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
You Might Also Like
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised