I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
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Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
There are usually two types of merchants.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69