I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
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No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.