*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
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Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person