Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
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I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Breaking news:
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs