“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
You Might Also Like
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Living the best life.. 😊
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?