Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
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I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Favourite diary entry ever
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5