Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
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Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard