Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
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perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
*updates tinder bio*
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.