Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
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You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Think I pulled my liver
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”