Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
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Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Greeting humans vs their dogs
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers