I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
You Might Also Like
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.