U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
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Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.