your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
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My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Cat is stressing him out.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
#CoronaOutbreak
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother