Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
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Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Seems a bit forward
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Is this you?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.