Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
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He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings