Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
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Make new friends? bro out of what?
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
me irl
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
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If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.