I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
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Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.