[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
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I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
why no one uses midhusbands
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Risking my life for fun.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL