Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
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Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.