Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
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Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Hot Panini is in big trouble
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.