[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
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Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
This is hilarious….
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.