Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
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Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Put this video in the Louvre
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.