Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
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i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs