If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
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I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!