“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
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Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.