Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
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Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
My Guy
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”