When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
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*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Seas the day!!!!
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.