I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
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How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
How can I say no to this ?