My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
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Why not a pufferpuma?
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
choose your gary
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters