I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
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The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30