I can also cook 😂
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My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Scream sneezers need love too.