It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
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GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.