[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
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ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard