#Caturday
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shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
got so much cardio in today
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Damn he played himself
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”