Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
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[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Risking my life for fun.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
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