Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
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if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.