*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
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“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.