Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
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Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
If you love someone, let them sleep.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Teach your children to beatbox
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing