At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
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The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*