Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
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[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.