the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
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fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.