“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right