I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
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[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.