Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
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In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
The “research” scene in every horror movie
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
(Jupiter –
Found the job I’m suited for
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*