Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
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Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*